His timing is perfect. His ways are good.

So I shall trust in Him.

Learning About Beauty

2013 was by far the most challenging year I've had to face. The most of that year was a failing relationship leading to a breakup that revealed so many of my insecurities and a very poor understanding of what true beauty is. When the relationship had ended, these recurring thoughts of "What is wrong with me? Why am I not attractive?" kept coming up. I felt defeated and helpless with trying to fulfill the standard of what "beauty" is: thin, has symmetrical features, has flawless skin, and is trendy/fashionable. And because my last two relationships ended due to similar reasons of their attraction towards me, I would have flashbacks of my childhood when I was super overweight and feeling so rejected by people. I came to the conclusion and belief that this is what every guy is looking for...a hot girl. And for a Christian guy to be looking for a godly but more importantly, hot girl. It felt so unfair; yet at the same time, I was trying to chase after the world by doing everything I can to meet its standard of beauty. Towards the end of the relationship and even post-breakup - I exercised rigorously, controlled what I ate, bought clothes/accessories to show how up to date I am with fashion. But no matter how hard I tried, it didn't seem good enough. And for most days, I still felt ugly. I couldn't stop though; if that's what it took to find my spouse, then I had to keep trying.

Last week, I met up with one of the wives/mom's at my church whom I consider to be my young mom here in San Diego. We don't meet up very often, but when we do, I'm always humbled and pointed to the truths of the word. Those times are greatly encouraging and absolutely refreshing. When she had asked how things have been since the breakup, I had shared with her the honest struggles and fears I have since I've dated. I let her know that (although there has been full reconciliation with both of the guys I had dated within the church) I felt like I won't ever be able to attract a guy because I couldn't meet the requirements and values that (I thought) all guys are looking for. I truly thought that my looks determined by future.

I had known for a while that I struggle with worldliness, especially when it comes to how I look, but it didn't occur to me until my "mom" pointed out that I'm basically asking to be pursued by the guys who care about worldly beauty if I continue to focus on those things. After she shared more with me on her marriage and how her husband never failed to make her feel beautiful (and not because of her looks), she told me that there truly are brothers who really look past outward appearances and the things that are fleeting. There are those who genuinely care about and value godly character. She also had to correct me that though I didn't feel beautiful, God perfectly created me and made me exactly the way I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And my focus needs to shift to what God finds pleasing in His eyes. She encouraged me to search through the word and really learn what beauty is, defined by God. It's only been a week, but I've already been reading and praying through the truths of beauty from the word and have found them to be both a rebuke and encouragement.

7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
-1 Samuel 16:7

9 likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire,10 but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works. -1 Timothy 2:9-10

3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, -1 Peter 3:3-5

Proverbs 31:10-31

13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well. -Psalm 139:13-14

“All of us, men and women, are affected by a world that idealizes youth and physical beauty. In such a world, it can feel as if our looks dictate our destiny. But that is not true. It is God who sovereignly rules over all men and women. He has determined our looks and our marital status.

We must shift our focus by fixing our trust not on our appearance or men’s expectations of beauty, but on God who directs our lives. Physical beauty does not have the last word and neither does a man’s ideal of beauty. God’s will determines all.”

~True Beauty, p. 88

To know that God sees me, a filthy and wretched sinner, as beautiful in His eyes brings me to tears. I cannot believe I have put in so much time, thought, and money in trying to have control over my own "beauty" when God has absolutely no care about those things. But because He created me in His image, I am wonderfully made. And who am I to question His view of beauty? Though it's very early on in this battle between me and the lies that the world tells me, I am so thankful we have the word to guard and equip me to readily fight against the world's standard of beauty. Learning to be thankful for the way that He made me... to refrain from complaining and to even thank God when I weigh myself on the scale and see a couple more pounds than the last time I weighted myself, and when I see a giant zit on my face (it's already so hard!). Trying to cut off the time I spend on getting ready in the mornings and exercise. Trusting that my looks do not determine my future. Praying for God to help me to focus on the character qualities that He desires in my life.

NYC Trip

Just got back from my trip in Manhattan to visit a friend! So thankful to have spent time with 3 sisters that I can share sweet fellowship with. As exciting as everything was about NY, my favorite thing about the trip would honestly be the conversations I had with the girls. Nothing beats a good camaraderie. I thought I would fall in love with the city and have this huge desire to move there. The city is great, don’t get me wrong. But California is home to me, and I’m content with where I am.

I already did a heavy duty FB post of the pictures I took, but here are a few things I observed about NYC:

· Some parts of the city are just really smelly. There are bags and bags of trash on every block.
· The NYers seem to wear headphones everywhere they go. Whether they’re listening to music on the subway or talking on the phone as they walk to their next destination, I saw lots of people rocking ear buds.
· Neutral colors seem to be really in right now. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my bright red pants and mustard shirt/scarves
· Drivers are a lot more aggressive and angry compared to LA. People are not shy about using their horns.
· It’s cool to see how a cityscape can include so much green & many trees. I loved the juxtaposition of the two.
· NYers eat dinner late and stay up late. The city never sleeps! I think the average dinner time is 9pm.
· There are hardly any gas stations.
· I think I saw more Dunkin’ Donuts than Starbucks.
· People are very friendly. I think the only ones that came off as angry were the bicyclists and drivers. Cat and I really enjoyed talking to the NYPD. We needed a lot of help with navigating, and every person we asked was willing to take time to give us directions.
· It’s definitely a diverse city. I’ve heard so many people with different accents and people speaking in different languages. It was mostly French and German.
· No toilet seat covers.
· Only tap water served. It tasted pretty good. When we went to McDonald’s, I asked them for a cup for water. The first worker didn’t understand what I was saying. I repeated myself multiple times, and he just stared at me. When he walked away, I thought he was going to give me cups, but he went off doing something else. I had to repeat myself a few times to the second worker. She handed me some cups, but at the soda fountain, there was no water option.
· Too much PDA.
· Pedestrians cross streets on red ligh ts. All. The. Time. They also power walk. I love the fact that people mostly walk to commute to places. Walking > driving
· People don’t really to-go their leftover food.
· A good number of girls walk around in heels like it’s nbd. That is not okay for the amount of walking you have to do.